Sunday, March 18, 2018

Happy New Year 2008

January 7, 2008 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

Today is the first treatment of 2008 and my fifth treatment overall on this first round of chemotherapy.  After my second or third treatment, I was walking behind a woman as we were moving towards the treatment room.  She was saying to a friend “only one more to go, only one more to go!” You could hear the absolute joy and relief in her voice, to which I couldn’t relate.  At this juncture in my treatments, I am remembering her as I hear myself saying “only two more to go, only to more to go!”  That is my intention.  Seven total treatments.

After viewing recent scans, my oncologist will discuss treatment options with me.  The sides of his box keep getting pushed out….at least where I am concerned.  I keep showing up healthier on each visit.  He remains firm in his scientific research that one is never “cured” of cancer.  He is strongly recommending a masectomy.  Even though scans of my breasts are clean, it is his belief that it is a “sit and wait” process until cancer reoccurs. I am advised to remove the cancer factory called my breast.  This time, it is not stubbornness behind my decision to say no.  It is Guidance and wisdom and knowing. I think of all the people who go through this experience with only the faith of modern medicine.  It is but one aspect of wellness.  For me, there is a hopelessness in this experience without a spiritual faith and a belief system outside of the physical body.  It is, after all, a spiritual journey.

It was October, just a few months ago, that I was in a wheelchair as treatment began.  I could barely walk on my own and needed narcotic pain relievers. The third week in October, I attended my son’s parent/teacher conference in a wheelchair sporting my new wig.  His Dad pushed me through the school hallways.  I had so little energy, we left after a quick 20 minutes.  The teachers eyes, the ones who would look into mine, were filled with sorrow and fear.  We used that wheelchair a few more weeks and by mid November I was able to walk without the support.

In December I was able to get on the treadmill every day for 20 minutes, and over a couple of weeks able to manage a fast walk for 40 minutes.  Feeling the life waking up in my body is exhilarating and encouraging, physically and emotionally.  By January, I weaned myself off the narcotic pain relievers.  What a personal triumph!  They come with their own side effects and the cycle of managing side effects becomes its own business.  What I was not prepared for was the flood of emotion that rushed to the surface when the narcotics wore off.  I did not know they were suppressing very deep pain from when this experience began.  The hurt and pain of the diagnosis, separating from a significant relationship, fear of dying, losing my job, the changes in my son’s life, being moved into my friend’s home, storing my belongings…it came pounding at my door.  The support system for this was my friend Pamela, Chinese medicine practitioner Nicholas and energy worker Kenton.  We took the emotions as they came up, sometimes daily.

This is my work to do, this is my “job”.  The days of my week were filled whole food, supplements, detox baths, treadmill, prayer, guided meditations, essential oil rubs, dry brushing, trying on wigs, writing, energy work, reading and learning about all cancer treatments, doctor’s appointments, blood work and chemotherapy.  It was my new job.

What I am learning about myself, my life and about God could not have been learned any other way.  If I could have, I would have. I am learning to “be” in it and not of it.  It is one day at a time and within the course of a day, it is one moment at a time.  One bite of the elephant at a time.  When I wake in the morning, I instruct my cells what they are going to do today to remember their Divine Intelligence and be well.  I thank God for laying rose petals in my path.  I listen for the voice of my intuition, God’s voice.  What will you have me do today? Who will you have me touch? What will you have me say?

Spiritually, my body is healed.  In time, the physical manifestation will appear in medical tests.  God is still teaching me.  People ask how many treatments I have left.  My reply is that I will have as many treatments as I need in order to remember what I need to know.  Everything is working in Divine Order. I am certain I will move through this experience, survive and thrive.  I don’t know what the experience will be like.  Isn’t that true for a anyone’s life?

My heart was so touched and moved today by a teenager in the cancer center for his first treatment.  His parents were there, and as the nurse was explaining the process, I could feel the fear in them from where I was sitting. Pamela and I both remember my first time and the fear we felt.  I found myself saying to God, “I understand it for me, but why for him?”  We don’t know.  We don’t know what God crated this young man for and what his particular contribution is to be.  It is not measured in years, although we want to make it mean something to have a long life. Who are we to insist that life should look a certain way?  Perhaps we are getting in God’s way.  I wanted to pull up a chair next to his, hold his hand, reassure him, listen to him, look into his eyes, see him and give him “all is well”.  For today, I did it from where I was sitting.  Perhaps in my future, this will be a greater contribution I can offer.

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