Saturday, March 17, 2018

A Friend showed up today

October 29, 2009 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

A friend showed up today. She asked me if I had thought of my final ceremony and what I wanted. I remained calm, because that’s what nice girls do, and said I’m not willing to go there. I can’t have that conversation right now. This is the same person who asked me a couple of days ago if I had a will. My old pattern was to be nice and gracious, but inside I was angry. How dare people put me in the grave? I have every right to be angry. I wanted to ask if she has planned her final ceremony. How are you so different from me? In the past, I would not have recognized or acknowledged any anger. It would have been analyzed and rationalized away by saying people mean well and have good intentions.

For the curious folks, yes, I have updated will and I want to be cremated.

Having done this type of work for many years, this is continued releasing from my work with Charlene which I wrote about in an earlier blog title “Releasing”.

As a result of being molested as a young girl, I fragmented myself. I disassociated from my body. I became this nice little girl, perfect, wonderful and happy. And that is how I got love–at the cost of me. The way to recovery is pulling these fragmented pieces back to me, then integrating them. As I bring back these disassociated parts of myself, I get Light; I become enlightened.

Molestation is a Soul killer. Any child would have left her body. When this happens to a child, the Soul knows this is wrong for a human being to have power over another. It happened by someone I knew and trusted and others around me knew and trusted, so I shoved down the rage. Something must be wrong with me. Why does everyone love him?

By the age of eight, psychologists say our whole world is formed. I learned to be used, and that I am to enjoy it. I don’t have any worth unless someone can use me. As a result of the molestation, I felt powerless and abused, and I spent my whole life trying to make up for it and I’m not doing it anymore. I intend to be free.

I’m bringing the rage up inside of me so I have access to the NO inside of me. The NO I did not have access to as the child. Let my rage choose life. Use my rage to bring myself back into life! I’m not used to so much emotion in my body. It feels like craziness or death. But it is giving me life

Up until now, I haven’t fully shown up with people. I run away. My feelings and my identity have been repressed. In my life, I would clam up or shut down as soon as emotions showed up. Take care of everyone else, make them happy, and then I can have some peace.  It has always been too difficult for me to say no. When I do say no, I feel guilty and I pull away from people. The shame creates this. The shame and guilt of molestation. If I cry or get angry in front of people, I feel shame, so I ignore my feelings and take care of others. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “Fear and guilt are the only enemies of man.”

This is what cancer is about. We are chameleons. We are who we need to be for everyone else, but who am I to myself?

When I was molested as a child, life kept molesting me. Now I am using that to set me on a profound course in my life. It has provided an opening, a softening and that allows healing. The cancer is a very small part of me. This is about loving myself back into wholeness. Make a choice. I choose life.

A friend showed up today.  Anger, rage.

I choose life no matter what this experience looks like. I refuse to go down because of what happened to me. I choose to free myself, and I choose not to believe what the doctors are saying. I choose not to be around people who look at me like I’m dying or who wonder how much longer I have. Some people will leave me. They are not leaving me because there is something wrong with me, it is simply a space they can’t be in with me. I will keep close to me the people who can hold easily and effortlessly what I am up to and what I want to accomplish. I will hold onto their truth about me. For many people, it is facing death that brought them to their power. Yes, I look at death. I look at it all the time. Yes, I imagine myself dying. And when I do, I see an unfinished life. I’m angry to think that this incident has affected my entire life and then I’m supposed to die?! No!

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.”

– Walt Disney

The new Patricia who is birthing herself has access to my rage. The moment I discovered cancer in my body I was not the same and I’ve been unraveling this story for a long time.

Cancer is a lonely journey. Ultimately, I have to do the work myself. This is what the journey has to be to step into the power and dynamics of who I am. It is constantly throwing away limiting thoughts. Thank God every day and on this day I choose life. Show me how I can express life in this choice.

The friend I mentioned in the opening talked with me later. Before I had an opportunity to bring up our earlier conversation, she said “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what not to say.” I really do understand. She is an educated woman who used to work in a hospital. She has read reports with unfavorable prognosis’. She said she didn’t know how to be with this situation knowing my intention for wholeness and healing. I asked her to go deep inside and find that spiritual essence in her that knows and loves God and knows there are no degrees of miracles with God. And as a creation of God, I have every right to a healing and return to wholeness. I claim it. She looked into my eyes and said “Yes, I can go there with you.”

I want to help others have hope. I want people to know they matter; they make a difference. And of course, that is what I want for myself.

I matter. I make a difference.


7 Responses to “A Friend showed up today”
  1. Nanc says:

    The next time someone asks you what your “final ceremony” is tell them it is to tell them to fuck off and bite me. With great love and compassion of course.

  2. Nanc says:

    Too bad you can’t register at Bloomingdales and Crate and Barrel for your “final Ceremony”…Mmmmmm

  3. Patricia says:

    That’s what I love about you, Nanc…raw and unedited and REAL! Oh, and beautiful.
    You got it all, Babe!

  4. Lisa Horn says:

    Patricia – You have come into my life and there you will always remain. I will be with you forever, for eternity.

    • Patricia says:

      Your Light has always guided me toward that which is joyful and blissful. You bless me with your devoted friendship. I adore you and love you!

  5. Cyndi Schmillen says:

    The other day, a powerful singer came and sang at our church. The lyrics took my breath away and I’m reminded of them and hear them in my head when I read this story…

    Freedom of Forgiveness by Stefan Mitchell

    “…when you learn to just let go, holding on too tight can change your game, changes how you grow.
    Learning to live, you learn to forgive yourself.
    Forgiving yourself, you learn to forgive someone else.
    You’ll find a way. … You know the way.”

    Life really is beautiful… and blessed with you in it! Thanks so much for sharing your life with us on this website. Love you!

    • Patricia says:

      Stefan Mitchell IS powerful! He is a favorite here at Unity of Hawaii. Love it that you experienced him…and he you!
      Love you, Cyndi!

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