Thursday, January 18, 2018

Anniversary test results

June 1, 2009 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

At 4:00 pm today I called my oncologist’s office for my lab test results. I am in my office at church, prior to a meeting that will begin at 6:00 pm. The CA 27-29 & the CA15 tumor marker numbers are both elevated. The first is 292 and the second is 230. I am in shock. My first oncologist always prescribes chemo if the number is over 100. How long have they been rising unbeknownst to me? My mind is racing. I can’t think clearly, and I begin to sob. This can’t be happening. This is a dream. No, it’s a nightmare. Someone wake me up, please! Who should I call? I’ll call Pamela. I get her voice mail and leave a message. I call Sandy and leave a message. I cry as the reality sinks in. Not again. I can feel the wall I have built to protect me from this begin to crumble.

What more can I do? What is it going to take? Why is this happening? My mind wants to grasp some reason to answer the question why. It keeps searching through the files to name some reason why I find myself dealing with cancer again. Be truthful with myself. I had not made some fundamental changes in my being. We arrived in Hawaii one year ago this month. Looking back, I landed in Hawaii thinking I would hit the floor running. In the previous eight months to arriving, I underwent chemotherapy, lost my health, my job, my home and my significant relationship. After arriving, we moved into a new home in a new location, having never been to Hawaii previously. The only person we knew was Sky. We lived one hour away from him and new friends. Makes me weary just thinking about the changes. And I recognize patterns of always looking for answers outside of me, always moving, always changing, always seeking to fill a void on the inside with something on the outside. It has taken a year to identify the lifelong thought and behavior patterns that may have created the environment in my body for cancer.

Pamela calls back and offers to bring me back to Omaha. Sandy calls and reassures me that this is just a bump in the road. We’ll get through this. You can do it. You’re up for it. God has your back. She encouraged me to write two letters to God. One declaring that I want to live and another listing all of the things I have left to do in this lifetime. The second letter went on for three pages.

In hindsight, it is clear that I turned the other cheek on my cancer experience after moving to Hawaii. I wanted to be done with it. I wanted to ignore it. I wanted a new reality. However, I wanted to move on and not fully address completing this chapter called cancer. It can be painful, however it is our work to do. Following is an excerpt from author Jackie Woods from an article titled How Emotions Affect Your Health. She wrote Journey to Ultimate Spirituality:

Did you ever feel you were walking through quick sand just because you were emotionally down? Did you ever feel bad all over just because you were bored? Did you ever say, “I feel like a millions dollars,” just because a special friend called? These examples indicate the immediate impact emotions have on one’s physical vitality. They also have long-term impact. Long after a feeling has passed through your awareness it may be “hanging out” in your physical body.

If you can respond to any of those examples or come up with some of your own, then you certainly are able to see the necessity of gaining tools to help clear the emotions so they won’t get stuck in your body and make you sick. Never fear, this does not mean you have to become a raving maniac. You must simply become comfortable with feeling, and then expressing, every single emotion to its full intensity, in order for your physical body to have emotional health.

What if cancer cells find a home in our bodies where Love does not exist? It is believed that cancer cannot exist in the presence of self-love. When I would hear this I would at once feel angry and hopeful. Angry at myself for not loving who I am–now there’s a cosmic joke! And hopeful that Divine Love is what heals and that is our nature. What if cancer cells have simply lost their way, lost their purpose? What does God do with anything that has lost its way? It is healed with Divine Love. If it is all of God, then how does that change how we view cancer cells? What if we love the cancer cells and embrace them and fill them with the pink healing Light of God’s Divine Love? I visualize the pink Light filling the white blood cells. I see the white blood cells filled with the pink Light embracing the cancer cells and filling them with pink Light. The pink Light moves throughout my body, going to any place where Light has not been and it is dark. If I am scared then the cancer cells are scared. They need love. They need to know that they are safe in my body, as bizarre as that sounds. They can be loved and transmuted to the next level for them, whatever that is. They are not some horrible monsters that are to be gotten rid of and chased out of my body. They are here to teach me something. They are here to enlighten me and move me forward on this path. They only ask me for gratitude for their message and then they are free to go.

“What is always speaking silently is the body.”

Norman Brown

The past few days I have felt the presence of God with me, holding me up. This morning, in a short meditative journey, some”one” took me by the hand, kissed it, and led me to be in front of what I knew was the energy of God. I knelt in prayer. I could feel myself being enveloped in a Divine thought form comforting me in an “all is well” shroud. God told me I had all the power of His Kingdom at my use. God said to look beneath me and even though it seemed there was nothing to support me, I was being supported by the Divine Power and all of the Angelic kingdom. Tears rolled down my face as I heard them thank me for choosing to do what I am here to do in this lifetime. Their gratitude was palpable. Then the angels surrounded me and began to shower me with God’s Love and Light. They sprinkled a sparkling fairy like dust over me and I bathed in the Love. Then they washed and kissed my feet. I came back to my body peaceful and content and empowered.

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