Saturday, March 17, 2018

Beam me up

December 7, 2009 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

CT scan machine

CT scan machine-that's my blankie

Last Thursday, I had CT scans.  Mayo Clinic describes a CT scan this way:  ”A CT scan, also called computerized tomography, is an X-ray technique that produces images of your body that visualize internal structures in cross section rather than the overlapping images typically produced by conventional X-ray exams.  Conventional X-ray exams use a stationary X-ray machine to focus beams of radiation on a particular area of your body to produce two-dimensional images on film or a digital detector, much like a photograph. But CT scans use an X-ray unit that rotates around your body and a powerful computer. The result with CT scans is a set of cross-sectional images, like slices, of the inside of your body.”

If you have never seen a CT scan result of your body, it is eery.  My oncologist suggested we wait until after six chemo treatments to have scans to monitor my progress.   I have lost count how many CT scans I have had.  Add to that a couple of MRI’s and bone scans, numerous chemotherapy treatments and my body glows in the dark.

Is Dr. McCoy behind this door?

Is Dr. McCoy behind this door?

For the first time, I felt peaceful when I had the scans.  I was without fear or trepidation or anxiety. The tests would simply provide information that would be an indicator to what our next step might be.  That’s all.  Just an indicator.  Not good or bad, just information.   It’s like going on a road trip and looking at your map.  You know where you are on the map and you know where you want to end up.   The end result is a restoration of perfect health and wholeness. What you don’t know is what route you’ll be taking to get to your destination.  Through the mountains, through the desert, the long way around, criss crossing the country a few times.  How do I prepare for the trip?  Rev. Sky would answer that question with “prayer and meditation”.  The ego would have you deal with the unknown by going into the past or the future to plan for whatever may happen, yet the only way to truly travel the unknown is being present with what is known right here, right now.

Tomorrow I meet with the doctor to discuss the scan results and hear what his recommended treatment plan is.  At this moment I am feeling some anxiety creeping in a crack of doubt.  What would I not want to hear?  I would not want to hear that this treatment drug has not created the results we desire.  More or different is required.  I would not want to hear the trip toward wholeness will last a great deal longer.   I would not want to perceive my alternative treatments are not affecting the cause.  I can hear the expectation I secretly hold–that I am through the worst part of the journey. Of course, I hold that expectation!  Given a choice, does anyone want poked with more needles, more do-overs, waiting for test results and more rounds of chemo with side effects?  I’ll take a poll next time I’m in the treatment room.  If anyone raises their hand and shouts “yes!”, I’ll personally escort them for a psychiatric evaluation.  You would have to be crazy.

A friend just called and I shared my anxiety at this moment.  She jokes, “So, you’re telling me you’re human!”  Then I joke, “Yes, I was hoping you wouldn’t find out.  Waaaaa!  What if you don’t love me anymore because I’m scared?”  She responds “What if it made me love you more?”  Oh, I hadn’t thought of that.

What do I know right here and now?  I go to my inner sanctuary. It is the place of quiet and peace where I connect with God and the issues of my life are brought forward. What I know is made clear in my inner sanctuary. What I know is a Patricia who is healed and whole and engaging full on in life.  What I know is my God who makes it all possible and manifest.


2 Responses to “Beam me up”
  1. Lisa says:

    Thanks for the explanation (I’ve never had or seen a CT scan) and your authenticity about what’s going on inside you. That’s what I relate to and it always helps me know you a little better and feel connected with you, human BEING to human BEING. And I do love you more, every time you share and listen and share and listen. I am honored to share this life journey with you as my teacher and friend. Thank you for being exactly who you are, every moment!

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