Sunday, April 22, 2018

I am bigger than this

October 5, 2009 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

When I heard the doctor recommend more chemo, my first reaction was disbelief.  The recent blood tests showed that my tumor marker numbers were going down which is a move in the right direction.  From early June at 292 to September at 232.  Why more chemo now?  Along with disbelief, there was disappointment. What is the matter with me that I can’t beat this? There was anger. Not again!  I can’t believe I am in this place again.  It’s surreal.  There was concern about Alexander.  How will he react? How will I care for myself and for him?  It’s scary to think about being in new surroundings and going through this, away from family and long time friends.  I don’t know what to expect.  It’s that space of the unknown.  You don’t know what you don’t know and it requires monumental trust to be in that space.  Leslee Temple Thurston calls it sky-walking.  Where you step off an edge and step into space with nothing physical underneath but the Life Force holding you up.

In the mix was of all of this was something else that was never there before. It can only be described as a knowing. I am bigger than this. I have done this before and survived.  I will do it again and thrive.

When I began chemo two years ago it was with tumor marker numbers of 990 and cancer in four areas: breast, lung, liver, spine. At this time, cancer cells are in the liver and spine with numbers of 232. Feels more like a tune up.

When I shared my apprehension about being in new surroundings with new people and going through this experience, a friend and powerful spiritual leader, Margie, shared the following with me:

“ That this journey you are making, although there are so many unknowns — new doctor, new treatment, different living situation, all of it, that whole list you mentioned — stands on the foundation of your being in a wholly different place than you were two years ago.  You are stronger, wiser, more grounded as you head into this coming week and beyond.

And rather than these new and different circumstances holding only the unknown, they also form the strength through which you will meet the unknown.  I am believing with you that this doctor, this treatment will be different…and better.  This new living arrangement during treatment is different…and better.  You are surrounded by people who love and cherish you; who, whether we are new to supporting or experienced, want to give you as much compassionate care as you can stand; and who are ready to be there with you, heart to heart, in the journey.

New, different and unknown.  Or… New, different and strengthened by your own self and those who love you.

One of my favorite chants goes like this:  ”I will hold your vision and be believing eyes.”

I see you in your complete holy wholeness.”

Sometimes in life when it feels like we are taking one step forward and two steps back, it is only to go back and pick up something we left behind the first time. We are still moving forward.

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