Sunday, April 22, 2018

Learning and Vulnerability

October 8, 2009 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

All during the day I find myself talking (blogging) in my mind. I talk with you about this cancer experience (yes, it’s my voice that you’ve been hearing). I talk of what today is bringing to my awareness. I wax philosophical about this spiritual journey through the eyes of cancer.

Cancer has a beautiful way of bringing out of hiding anything that has been lurking in the shadows of your being. If you let it, it will cleanse and renew you. You will be reborn into a new way of being, thus creating a new life.  Cancer was a way to get me to focus on what I came here to do in this lifetime.

Blogging is a vulnerable experience. What to include? What is better left unsaid? How can I clearly express what I am feeling? My commitment is to transparency, authenticity and truthfulness. It feels vulnerable to be so naked.

The challenge for me is in the translation from my mind to the written blog. I lose something in the translation. Perhaps with practice I can turn off my mental editor and simply let the words flow from my mind directly to the keyboard, just like Julie Powell did in the movie “Julie/Julia”. She just…started. How brilliant. How clever. How simple. And haven’t I been praying for simple? Thank you, Julie, from my blog to yours.

You will learn about the shock of diagnosis, the agony of the possibility of leaving a child, the energy of cancer, friendship and friendship with God.

You will learn that for me chemotherapy seemed to pull certain files in my brain and devour them byte by byte. Imagine going into a file cabinet and pulling out files at random and tossing them.  For example, it is as if I am learning computer technology for the first time, except this time it’s not coming as quick and it doesn’t seem to stick. Call me Teflon brain, because the learning slides right off. Which means I ask some really silly questions. Just ask my son. I know I’ve just asked a silly question when he starts to grin sheepishly and asks “Mom, are you serious?”, giggling all the while. Perhaps when I become a bold and braver blogger, I will fess up to some of the super, silly questions. Trust me, you will feel very smart.

In the meantime, a friend reminded me how little we use of our brain to begin with. So, I engaged in small talk with my brain about creating some new neuro-pathways and waking up some of the sleeping, unused cells. I imagine millions of brain cells waking up and shouting “pick me, pick me!” Thanks to Dr. Bruce Lipton’s revolutionary work, I know that my brain responds to my instruction. And that is a topic for another day.

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