Thursday, January 18, 2018

The Body Speaks

May 4, 2009 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

5/4/09

My growing edge continues to be my level of self- care. Months ago I was told to rest and sleep more, yet I would not consider changing my schedule of driving to Honolulu on Mondays and Thursdays to be with Sky and friends at Unity Church of Hawaii. It is a one hour oceanside drive. Compared to the old level of activity in my life, this seemed as if I was actually slowing down. In the past, I was always on the go, always moving, always doing. I could get eight hours of work done in four. When I left one position at a company, I was told it took two and a half people to do the job I was doing single handedly.

However, when you are traveling at 100 miles an hour and hit a tree, it hurts a lot more than when you are going 25 miles an hour. And when you are going 100 miles an hour and slow down to half that speed, sometimes you are still going too fast.

At this time I feel particularly tired and my guidance is strong that I need to stay home and rest. After my usual Monday trip, I shared this with Sky. Of course, he was supportive and loving and wants what is best for me. When my body became aware it was not going into Honolulu on Thursday, it relaxed deeply. Deeply in a way that humbled me. I did not know how tired it was because I kept it going, even though it felt minimal to me. Drive to Honolulu twice a week? Come on, that’s nothing! Today when I awoke, I could not get out of bed. After Alexander went to school, I stayed in bed and did not wake up until 11:45 am. I barely moved inside our tiny condo. My body is limp.

What is it that kept me from considering changing my schedule? That I would be left out? That I would be forgotten? That I would discover I wasn’t missed? Only a hidden fear could keep me from caring for myself.

My energy worker said I am storing a lot of pain from the entire cancer experience in my body and writing will allow it to be released. That makes the writing more of an act of self-love. I can feel resistance around writing about it. Do I really want to go back and go through it all again? Do I want to feel it all again? That I am resisting writing tells me there are things I just don’t want to look at. At times, this journey can feel insurmountable.

It is in the small actions I find comfort and experience transformation. In Hendricks Foundation training, they teach how you do anything is how you do everything. So, I am mining for gold in the cracks, looking for small ways to be love. Here is one:

Alexander received an ITunes gift card worth $10. He wanted to download songs onto my IPOD to take to school with him so he could be extra cool. He was scratching off the coating on the back of the card to reveal the code that needed inputted online to buy the songs. He was having trouble, so I tried using a coin. Isn’t in a Rules of Life book somewhere that you use a coin to scratch that silver stuff off to show if you’ve won the new car or a can of Pepsi? As I scratched, the silver was stubbornly coming off…not only the silver coating but the code as well. To say he was bummed is an understatement. It was late; we were both tired. We couldn’t think of any solution at that moment. I was too tired to think clearly. He went to bed disappointed and frustrated.

Thinking about the card kept me from falling asleep. An angel came to me and softly suggested I get out of bed and create an online ITunes account for him with $10 in it. It would all be set up on the computer for him when he awoke. He could download his songs and go to school feeling extra cool. My monkey mind ego was saying, “You can’t do that. What would that teach him? It could teach him that he can have anything he wants. That there is an easy solution to any situation. That you don’t have to earn what you get. That you don’t have to be responsible for other’s actions, such as making a card where the silver stuff rubs off as well as the code. He needs to learn these things about life.”

Precisely. Thank you for sharing, monkey mind. He could learn all of that. And, he could learn it another way.

The following morning, the alarm went off. Customarily, he would snooze an extra 5-10 minutes. I whispered if he got out of bed now, he could go over to the computer and find a surprise. He sprang out of bed, went over to the computer and said “Oh, Cool!” After a few minutes he hugged me and said, “Thanks Mom. That was a really nice thing to do.”

Yes, it was. It was simply a nice, loving thing to do. It is not what I would have done in the past for the exact reasons my monkey mind told me not to do it. What did he learn? “He can have anything he wants. There is an easy solution. You don’t have to earn love or nice things. You are not responsible that people put silver stuff on in such a way the code underneath scratches off.” He could learn it all through the eyes of love, not fear.

He departed for school a human being that experienced being loved. Perhaps that love would spill over onto others today.

5/14/09

It has been a tough week physically. It takes over an hour to fall to sleep and I wake up at 3:30 am for a couple of hours. Given the lack of sleep, I am unmotivated to do most anything during the day. I feel hopeless. How long is this going to continue, this roller coaster ride of my energy peaking, then spiraling downward? It seems I have more poor days than days where I feel good. I thought it would have leveled off by now and I would have a baseline of energy/chi established. What am I doing to contribute to this? What should I do, what shouldn’t I be doing? Am I expecting too much only nine months after finishing eight rounds of chemo? Good grief, do you think?! Would be all right if I did absolutely nothing? Do I know how to do nothing? Are we so addicted to productivity and activity that we feel guilty if we are resting?

“Work is not always required … there is such a thing as sacred idleness, the cultivation of which is now fearfully neglected.” — George MacDonald

I live 50 yards from the beach. When I walked there and looked up one end of the beach to the other for what would be a total 20 minute walk, I did not have the mental or physical energy to do so.

5/29/09

At this time, I am “uninsurable”. My COBRA expired on 4/1/09. Because of my pre-existing condition, I am denied for an individual policy. It is time for CAT scans which cost about $5000. My blood work is two months past due. It is hard to believe I have allowed myself to fall this behind. I can have my blood work done at an independent lab and pay for that out of pocket. I felt immediate relief when I thought of taking that simple action. One step at a time.

Last night in bed I thought of how I would feel, what I would do if the tumor marker numbers come back elevated. I ran the scenario through my mind: the numbers are high. Scans show the cancer has returned. Chemo is necessary again. What does this say about all that I have believed up to this point? What expectations do I have of myself? What more do I need to clear? Where would I have treatment? Would I want to do a second round? My body is not recovered from the first. In metaphysics we believe your thoughts create your reality. How can I be in the space of knowing this Truth, while not beating myself up for the reality I have created? Forgiveness. That is the word God whispers to me. Forgive yourself.

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