Sunday, April 22, 2018

Hopelessness

October 8, 2009 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

On this day, I am feeling sheer terror and hopelessness. How fast it can all change!

My question is this: Is this dis-ease ego created or inbound spiritual wisdom coming in for my growth?

My overriding fear in this moment is leaving my child, Alexander.  I feel ready to leave, if that is what is to be.  It is leaving my child I cannot fathom.  All the metaphysical and spiritual speak saying his soul chose this experience is of no comfort.  I don’t want him to grow up without a mother.  I don’t want him to go through the emotional pain of  losing his mother. I don’t want to miss out on his life.  I have already missed out on too much.

I feel mentally weak to stave off the hopelessness. It comes in waves so close together I can’t seem to catch my breath.  It feels like drowning in a sea of anxiety.  You don’t know exactly what the anxiety is, just that it is all consuming.  Fears of chemo side effects, of how your child will cope or the fear of how you will cope.  You are swimming in all of it.  My only comfort is remembering what God has shared with me–that this is not my time. I am needed here.  And even that soothes for only a moment.

When you are in a potentially life-threatening situation like this, there are times such as now when there seems to be so much coming at you that you can’t possibly have a big enough catcher’s mitt. That is when my angel friends appear. They remind me I don’t have to catch it all. They remind me who I really am.

I am a spiritual being having this human experience, and today it doesn’t feel very good and it’s okay.

Comments

One Response to “Hopelessness”
  1. lensley says:

    I’m swooping in to pick you up in my arms and carry you in support and love, especially during those times like today.

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