Thursday, January 18, 2018

And the results are in…

March 12, 2010 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

Friday at 4:25 pm.  The oncologist called with the CT scan results.  The lesions on the liver are slightly larger than they were in December.  Not alarmingly larger, yet not stabilized or decreased in size as we hoped.  There aren’t any new spots.  This means the Arimidex isn’t working in cutting off the blood supply to the cancer cells.  His recommended plan of action is continued chemo.  Stay on top of it.  While this is not the news I desired, it is what it is.  OK, I’m utterly disappointed and deflated.  And I am proud of myself that I pressed the doctor to move the scans up and to call me with the results.  He was going to wait until our previously scheduled March 22 appt to go over the report results. With cancer, I have learned time matters.  Days can make a difference.  To know that I will be approaching my third session of chemo after beating the odds that I wouldn’t survive one session reminds me that I am a force to be reckoned with.

As I sat with this news, it wasn’t taking the additional chemo that was unsettling, although I don’t want to go bald a third time. Let me be clear…I do not want to go bald a third time!  More so, it’s that the evidence points to western medicine’s prognosis of we are helpless against this cancer and we keep giving you chemo until you die.  The cells begin growing when chemo is stopped. My body isn’t yet manifesting the results I want (or so I think) for the alternative care it is receiving.  And still, in my meditation and quiet time with God, I am assured it is not my time.  Cancer is not my one way ticket out.  In my weekly lesson from Yogananda, he shared the following thought:

Happiness is a state of mind.  Suppose you have enjoyed good health for fifty years then become helplessly sick for three years.  You would likely forget about the long period of time when you laughed at the idea of sickness, being unable to imagine yourself in poor health.  Instead, after having been sick for three years your mind would be unable to imagine your being in good health once more; it would tend instead to harbor the thought that you will never be well again.

Yeah, I get that.  This cancer journey has been ongoing for nearly three years.  Yes, I am weary.  It takes tremendous courage not to give up; the seeming evidence to do so is apparent.  In the past 24 hours I have gone through hopelessness, despair, frustration, bewilderment, disappointment, spiritual meltdown, sadness, and finally, anger.  I’m pissed.  I want to scream cancer be damned! You have met your match! Raising my son is the obvious motivation for staying the course.  The desire to survive and thrive with this experience and be a witness to the human spirit is a driving force.  And there is my blessed, damn stubbornness that makes it all possible.  Our conversation a year from today will not be so very different.  First, we will have a conversation.  Second, it will still be about happiness, my son, God and my stubbornness. And if I have my way, you’ll ask me to personalize your copy of my book.

It seems time to investigate aggressive forms of alternative care.  There are clinics scattered about the country that are having great success with naturopathics.  One such clinic is in Arizona, near where Debbie lives, my friend of 30 years.  They will have an email waiting for them on Monday morning to discuss the possibility of working together.  Debbie and Don have opened up their home to me should this be a path I decide to take.  Debbie and I have dreamed of girlfriend time, and we’ll take it however it comes.  She is my cheerleader.  She is the friend I can call up and say “tell me again everything is going to be OK” and she doesn’t miss a beat.  They aren’t just flimsy or shallow words of encouragement.  Her conviction is genuine and real and deep that we will, in fact, be having coffee together when we are 72.

Last June, I quit drinking alcohol to support my optimum health because experts agree that cancer feeds on sugar.  If so, I decided not to add to their feast…and I do love red wine and champagne but not as much as I love staying alive.  Well, shucks, looks like the cancer is feeding on something besides sugar.  For tonight, I have opened a fine bottle of red zinfandel wine left over from Christmas.  I made our favorite baked Mexican Layered Bean Dip and Journey is playing on the stereo. Alexander is giving me comforting hugs.  A hot bath awaits.  My friend said I needed to get in the ocean with all the nourishing minerals and sea salt. Well, sweetie, do you know how cold the ocean is today?  So I brought the ocean to me.  Took a bucket and went to the water’s edge, filled it with ocean water and put it in my bathtub.  All is well.

Comments

4 Responses to “And the results are in…”
  1. Jan Johnson says:

    I want to make sure I am not emitting any negative energy however……….DAMN!!! I knew there was a reason I listened to Sonia Choquette Thursday on the Healing with the Master’s Series. She is a believer in Quantum Physics and so my friend here is my Sunday morning gift to you. “I believe in you, in your dreams, in your wishes, I believe in me, I believe in us.” She says when you Imagine your Hearts Desire, you give it a heartbeat and of course an embryo has a heartbeat!! Don’t you love that? She also says success means do the next thing. Now according to Robert Frost one sometimes has to take the road less taken which for you isn’t the division in the fork you had hoped for however (I don’t use “but” anymore because to the mind it negates everything you said prior to the “but” which is primarily positive in nature. “Butts” are another matter,yet back to my other thoughts and not to be too distracted with body watching! Success according to Sonia means to do the next thing! And so it is with you to take that next step for Alexander, you and for us too! AND I already told you that I am going to be first in line for the autographed book!! Sonia also says “Fear only has power over us if we hide it. Put it in the spotlight and it shrinks it…The throat is the chimney of your heart. Name and notice what you love.” Is it any wonder when people get lumps in their throat??? I so love this mind, body, spirit stuff! And I love you and all I am learning from you! I am trying to not be green as pickle as I think of a bath tub of luscious ocean water to soak in AHHHHH. I am going to send you the link for this series and do with it what you will. It sounds like you are more than immersed in readings and teachings however, a lot of these people are Hay House occupants and seem to fit with your heart’s desires. I love you and selfish me looks forward to having you back on the mainland! My love in light for healing and fighting with a warrior spirit! Jan

  2. Jackie Hinton says:

    Dearest Patricia,

    Wonderful! Your attitude and intentions are so very admirable. I know this news is disheartening but love the way you approach the issue. There is no other way to do it and remain sane. I have a very beloved cousin who is also working with cancer. Her strength and yours brings tears of gratitude to my eyes that you are both able to persevere in the face of difficulties.

    PRESS ON! My love, Jackie

  3. Leslee Joy says:

    Patricia
    I have no doubt you will win this fight. It sucks to know that this is part of “the plan” for you but I believe that in time being well is also part of the plan. This journey is for a reason, although frustrating. I pray for you, my friend, and know that even tho the distance,I am here for you. If nothing else, I hope you know I am with you always in spirit.
    Hugs!
    Leslee Joy – Omaha

  4. Christine says:

    ditto, ditto and ditto friend. I can only add to what others have already so wonderfully said, that I definately want a personalized copy of your book! Love you and am with you all the way.

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