Saturday, March 17, 2018

Are we having FUN yet?

March 17, 2010 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

While I don’t feel like writing much, I do want to check in with you…and thank you with a grateful heart for your emails and calls and intentions for me.  You can never know, because I cannot express, how soothing, comforting and touching it is to hear your words of encouragement and love.  Just to know you are there makes a difference.  Just to know you are energetically holding my hand and seeing me well really does matter.  Prayer works.  (Can I keep my hair this time, God?)  My heart whimpers for anyone going through this without the support I enjoy.  May I have the honor and privilege of being there for someone else in the future as you are there for me now.

I was in the toilet for about 72 hours.  Someday perhaps I will not get so easily knocked off center, however I’m not there yet.  My despair came from buying my doctor’s belief that this will all lead to my eventual death, that I will not get out of this cancer experience alive.  I wasn’t conscious that I was doing that.  My body is sick, yes, however I saw myself as broken.  It’s as if I were one of those toy boats with the stopper in the bottom and the stopper was pulled out with what he said.  You feel like you are going under, slipping away.  What is worse is that you don’t even know if you want to try to find the stopper and put it back in…again.   This declaration from doctor to patient is disempowering and creates the energy so people are unable to follow their own truth. How arrogant of anyone to disempower another believing their mind over someone else’s matter?  Have you met my God?

I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life.  Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life.  I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.   ~Walter Anderson

Given this update, I made the decision to send Alexander onto Omaha as planned to be with his Dad in early June.  He will start high school (gulp!) in Omaha in the fall.  I will stay here in Hawaii until my health is where I desire it to be.  This is a benchmark for me in growth, to send my son ahead without me.  Clearly, it is time for me to focus wholly on my care with as few other responsibilities as possible. Alexander is an e a s y child to care for yet, as any mother knows, when you are the primary caregiver you are always on and never off.  Never.  Sky has encouraged me to move into Honolulu, and because these friends here are utterly amazing, the way is being made clear for that to happen.  I am ready to be near my friends. I am ready to get outside myself and this experience and look for ways to give.

Why was the Guidance clear for me to return to Omaha and now this?  I don’t know.  Sometimes being given Guidance doesn’t always mean you will be following through on it.  If you learn and shift from being willing to follow it, you may not need to.

Thursday I will begin additional chemo treatments.  Ohmygosh, that would be tomorrow!   I don’t know how many it will take; my body will let me know.  How do I feel about it?  Tired of the routine.  Tired of thinking about it, arranging around it, being poked.   I wonder what I will learn and take away from the experience this time?  How about “how can I have FUN doing this?” Is fun chemo an oxymoron or a great intention?  Would love your ideas and creative input!

Let me leave you with this adorable tidbit.   Yesterday, Alexander was on the computer and singing to himself in his mancave.  I caught the tune and as I moved closer it sounded like Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline”…except he was singing “Sweet cherry pie” instead of sweet Caroline.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day :)


2 Responses to “Are we having FUN yet?”
  1. David Tasaka says:


    What powerful thoughts you have shared. Thank you so much for allowing all of us to see a bit of your life challenges. Looking forward to your move to Honolulu. May you be blessed and cared for with all you desire and deserve.


  2. Jackie Hinton says:

    Oh my Dear Patricia! How brave you are and how inspiring! I admire you so. No need to tell you to keep your chin up as I know you will not allow defeat in your life. Admirable, admirable thinking. In love, Jackie

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