Saturday, March 17, 2018

Best laid plans

March 4, 2010 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

Guidance is clear that it is not in Divine timing to attend the cancer retreat next week. I was scheduled to depart for the Big Island this Sunday.  I am extremely disappointed.  It is also Guidance to move my CT scans up to next week (Tuesday).    That I am willing to postpone the retreat without question affirms my willingness to trust and do whatever is asked of me.  That I am willing to move the CT scans up breaks a pattern of waiting to have tests done, postponing self-care.

If there is some kind of treatment needed for the source of the continuing back pain, days can make a difference in what that looks like.  Going off the Arimidex coincided with a lessening of the pain, however, there is a degree of pain left that requires ibuprofin twice a day and one narcotic pain reliever at night.  Moving the scans up will lesson my anxiety about the source of the pain.  Any pain in the body still brings up the question “is it cancer related?”

I could override Guidance.  Yes, I could.  Been there, done that…most of my life.  Got me right to this blessed experience.

It is the continual flushing out and cleansing of what my ego wants this experience to look like.  My ego’s rationalization is if I am asked to skip a relaxing, nurturing retreat so I can have scans two weeks sooner then it can only mean one thing–cancer activity.  My ego wants me to believe that in reality nothing I am doing is working.  Western medicine chemo is a temporary band-aid until you die-just like the docs say.  Eastern medicine doesn’t seem to be changing my physical landscape. Energy work makes you feel better about thinking you might die :-)  Your ego would have you believe cancer is the exception to healing.  And then I remember…I was never told specifically what the experience would be like.   My ego has done its best to paint a picture of recovery and then make me feel fear that something is wrong if the physical reality doesn’t match the ego’s picture.   Naturally, I don’t want any more chemo treatment.  DUH!  My hair is coming in, my eyelashes are growing back.  It feels like stepping backwards to have any kind of treatment, and that is the voice of the ego.  All of this chatter and I don’t even have a test result.

And then I hear the sweet, simple voice of Spirit, of God:

“Do not worry, listen. We will always take care of you.  Go when we say go, come when we say come, and stay when we say stay.”  ~God

God asked me to get out the Bible and do some reading.  Hmmmm.  I don’t have a Bible.  Left that in Omaha.  How about some of my other spiritual books?  No.  The Bible.  The Old Testament.  Are you serious?  (can you believe I’m asking God that?)  I borrowed a contemporary Bible from a friend and was guided to read two of the last four chapters in the Old Testament.  It spoke of connection and purpose and…crisis.

Intro to Malachi:

Most of life is not lived in crisis-which is a good thing. Not many of us would be able to sustain a life of perpetual pain or loss or exstasy or challenge.  But crisis has this to say for it: In time of crisis everything, absolutely everything, is important and signficant.  Life itself is on the line. No word is casual, no action marginal.  And almost always, God and our relationship with God is on the front page.

But during humdrum times, when things are, as we tend to say, “normal,” our interest in God is crowded to the margins of our lives and we become preoccupied with ourselves. “Religion” during such times is trivialized into asking “God-questions”-calling God into question or complaining about him, treating the worship of God as a mere hobby or diversion, managing our personal affairs for our own convenience and disregarding what God has to say about them, going about our usual activities as if God were not involved in such dailiness.

The Message by Eugene  H. Peterson

God is involved in every mundane and magnificent area of my life.  He is my headliner.  I have a job to do for God; it is God’s work. I know and trust that.  It can’t be done if I am preoccupied with myself, listening to ego.  I choose to give energy and credibility to the long term purposes of God being worked out through my life.  God is using me…using you…to work out His purposes in this world  at this time.  May it inspire and release hope for all of us whom God is using.

I love it that I am no surprise to God.  He knew me to be a stubborn and courageous spiritual warrior.  He reminds me over and over that I am sticking around on this planet for a long time to come.  He knew I wouldn’t back down.  He knew before I did of my deep desire to bring Divine Light to others so they might know their inner spiritual warrior.

Thank you Jim, Melissa and Lisa for the personal sacrifices you made in your schedules to make this retreat work for me.  Your demonstration of unconditional friendship continues to uplift and uphold me.


2 Responses to “Best laid plans”
  1. Jan Johnson says:

    Hey Sweetpea!
    I can so hear the disappointment in your voice about the retreat. Insert sad, empathic face and heartfelt hug here from me. AND, I hear you coming to terms with that disappointment as you set your priorities for yourself. How much you are teaching me and reminding me of the depths of despair I walked through 26 years ago. It gave me chills because of my doubting Thomas (or Thomasette) persona. Your comments brought back memories sitting on my bed absolutely terrified, frozen in fear. I remember my sister telling me how my faith sucked (although not in those words but same meaning). I opened the Bible and it “FELL” open to Isaiah 52:12 which is the section offering words of HOPE!!. I remember it to say to not be afraid that God would go before me and that He would also be my rear guard! And so my dear friend, please know that God goes before you and is also your rear guard! And a Spiritual Warrior you are! You have so much more to teach us. My hope is that you discover through the scans a method to keep the pain at bay. That is my prayer for you. And now I am off to check out the great cosmic happy ass!!!! Love you more than all the grains of sand on the beach. Jan

    • Patricia says:

      I am so grateful to have a friend like you…one with whom I have shared so many years and so many transformative experiences. You and I share a history, which gives you a special window into my life. Thank you for your steadfast and loyal friendship. You are a Goddess and I love you.

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