Saturday, March 17, 2018

How good can I stand it?

April 21, 2010 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

Friday- Lisa makes the hour drive to our home from Honolulu, picks up Alexander at 9 am and takes him back to Honolulu to his orthodontist to have his braces removed.  Melissa picks him up from Lisa and brings him back home.

Braces no more!

Saturday- Lisa drives out again in the morning to pick up Alexander and me so he can get fitted for his retainer and I can have blood work done.  In the afternoon, I developed a sharp pain which seemed located in my lower front right side.  A friend mentions appendicitis.  My intuition is that it is intestinal.  As I rest, Lisa does the laundry with Alexander then makes the beds. She does dishes, makes my carrot/beet juice, creates a movie of Alexander getting his braces off and whatever needs to be done. Jim, aka Mr. Wizard, is getting my GPS up and functioning.

Sunday- The pain worsens and is accompanied by a fever.  Accidentally, I touched my right flank side and noticed it was sore and tender.  Some googling tells me it could be kidney, so I call the Kaiser Permanente advice nurse and she advises that I come into After Hours Care at 6:20 pm.  I call my Mom who knows a lot about kidney infections.  Laurie picks me up at 5:20 pm to drive me to Kaiser.  Tests are done for kidney stones, kidney infection and gallbladder stones.  Everything is normal.  In fact, my blood work looks good.  I leave without a diagnosis and with a prescription for a narcotic pain reliever to add to my pharmaceutical collection.  Upon returning home at 11:15 pm, Laurie insists on walking me to my door.  We step in to discover the kitchen sink drains have backed up and overflowed and flooded the condo.  Pause for emotional reaction.  Visuals help.

Laurie stays until midnight to help me sop up the water.  I shush her home, and she leaves with the wet towels and bedspreads to launder them.  Her alarm goes off at 4:30 am to teach a 5:30 am seminary class at BYU.  Shep, who is part of the maintenance team, arrives at midnight.  I drop into bed with pain, a fever and ibuprofin and to the whirrrr of the roto rooter.  For whatever reason, I am comfortable laying on my back and cannot feel the pain…unless I move.  Getting in and out of bed is excruciating.  He stays until 1:30 am to clear the clog without success.

Monday- At 6:50 am, I awaken with a start and slowly get up to look at the kitchen sink.  In the dark, I can see a glistening surface flush with the countertop.  This is not good.  It has backed up and the water is just at the top of the sink ready to flow over. I quickly call Shep, who comes right over.  He works on the drains (with bare hands!) for the next 2.5 hours without success.  The stench is terrible. The water is murky, gray, sludgy and who knows what bacteria it houses.

A plumber is called in and at 2:45 pm, after one hour of rooting, he announces the clog is cleared.  It was a Major League victory and Shep and the plumber are high-fiving, laughing and praising the power of their tools. Guys.   The plumber gave Shep one of the heads he needed to do this kind of job, so now Shep can do it himself and the Plumber is out of a job….and they laughed some more.  Then they looked the at the clog in the paint stained plastic bowl with puzzled expressions.  Then they touched it…with their bare hands.  ”I don’t know what it is, do you?  Nah, I don’t know what it is!”  Then they looked at me.  ”Do you want to look at it?” I actually had to think for a moment.  Do I?  Nah.   Alexander had worse diapers as a baby than whatever was in that bowl.  I wouldn’t be impressed.  But you guys keep it and pass it around at parties and after a few beers play “guess what’s in the bowl” game.  You know, fun guy stuff.

Jai is our angel who comes on Mondays to clean.  She changes her schedule and arrives at 3:00 pm, after the plumber, to finish cleaning up the mess and clean every surface with a powerful disinfectant. Her mission is complete in three hours and to a greater degree than I would have reached on my best day. When she cleans our home, it just plain feels good because she feels good.  She leaves a waft of happiness in our home.  We call it Jai Aromatherapy.  I am not moving easily as the pain is still sharp and I have a low-grade fever.  Still, I believe this is an inflamed large intestine. Dianna brings a yummy dinner of salmon and twice baked potatoes, caesar salad and papaya.  She asks if there is anything more she can do to make me comfortable. Time travel to another dimension?  I’ll take one of those.  Do I need anything from the grocery store?  Yes, I do, and off she goes to pick them up.  At bedtime, Alexander brings a cold washcloth for my forehead as my temperature reaches 102.5 and the pain intensifies.  I send an email to my doctor with an update and ask them to call me Tuesday morning.  Laurie reminds me that she is here for me any hour of the day for any reason.  My mother calls.

Tuesday- The sheets, pillow and my jammies are soaked when I wake up.  My body is responding to whatever is causing the fever and that is a good thing.  I feel better than I have since Saturday.  Getting out of bed isn’t painful and I can move around easier.  The advice nurse calls and I answer questions.  The oncologist calls and I answer questions.  Doc said there aren’t any tests for intestinal inflammation and he agrees if that is what it is, it will continue to subside.  He does not believe it is a secondary response to chemotherapy.  Oh, and my bowels haven’t moved since the pain began on Saturday.  Enough information on that. Dr. Gibson and I agree to postpone the Vitamin C treatments until my strength returns.  The Vitamin C would elicit a strong response from my immune system that could make me feel worse, not better, because of my weakened state.  A friend goes to the store for me to buy a few things I forgot yesterday.  Friends call.  My mother calls.  They uphold me.

Wednesday- The low grade fever persists, and the bowels are slowly moving.  The pain is still there yet not incapacitating.  My walk is a shuffle.  The advice nurse is not alarmed and they plan on seeing me tomorrow for chemotherapy.  Jai drops by supplements she picked up for me yesterday.  

Cancer doesn’t kill people, lack of Light does. I didn’t ask for last rites, as horrible as I felt.  In the past, when I would weaken physically, my ego would want me to believe the physical evidence meant I was checking out and I could feel the holes in my trust…and I would surrender further to the Truth that I am staying on this planet.   I could also feel the energy of people around me and the fear they held that I was on an irreversible decline.  I am not blind to how this looks on the outside, yet I know how it looks on my inside!   How do I move through this barrage of  learnings– one day at a time. The growth of my Soul is going a million miles an hour.  On the planet you may be moving slow, but the Soul may be growing fast.  Just like the beggar on the street can be an angel in disguise…things aren’t always as they seem.  As I looked at the newest condition, I almost laughed at the brilliance of moving through this one day at a time.  Not an intellectual awareness; more of a wisdom about life.  Take the next step and nothing more, then do it again…and so I did.

I gave up dying.  That dragon is slain.  God is not calling me Home, so I decided to quit going there.  The ego always had that weapon to pull out whenever I would feel weak.  No more.   Just how good can I stand it? I am ready to find out.

As you read about my days, do you get a snapshot of the tremendous giving that flows in all ways?  Angels abound everywhere.  It is what we are here to do for each other.  Rev. Sky offered a 2007 Honda Fit car to me to use when we arrived on the island in June 2008.  That is his way.  I’ve been driving it for almost two years.  He kept saying it was mine, yet I couldn’t accept such a generous gift.  A couple of months ago, I began praying about my limit of receiving this car.  God told me to accept the gift.  “If you cannot accept this gift, how can you accept my gifts?  My gifts are even greater than what you have asked for.”   God cannot go beyond your offering in His giving to you. This is not because He limits His giving, but simply because you have limited your receiving. The will to receive is the will to accept.

“First we receive the Light.  Then we impart it.  Thus we repair the world.” The Kabblah.

To give is to receive. It’s a closed circle.  The Course in Miracles says “to give and receive are one in Truth.”  To give anything, you first received it from the Source Of All That Is. The gift you give, whether is be material or peace or comfort or words will come to you in the amount in which you gave it. You will find you have equal return, for in giving this is what you asked.   The Course in Miracles says this about receiving and giving:

“It is not the function of God’s teachers to evaluate the outcome of their gifts. It is merely their function to give them. Once they have done that they have also given the outcome, for that is part of the gift. No one can give if he is concerned with the result of giving. That is a limitation on the giving itself, and neither the giver nor the receiver would have the gift.” (Manual, 6)

For the remainder of this day, I give rest to myself and an ear to my son who has some big wonderings brewing about life.  Yeah, me too.  He might have some answers.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.  ~Buddha


6 Responses to “How good can I stand it?”
  1. Sarah says:

    Patricia, What a week. I’ve tried to think of something wise and comforting to say but all that keeps coming up is God Bless You. So….God Bless You (wonder why i resisted those words under the category of wise or comforting??)And can I admit to being ever so slightly jealous that you have the wonderful Jim to hand – unfortunately i’m a million miles away from him in Europe. He keeps my GPS in order too – albeit the spiritual one! Stay strong my dear.

    • Patricia says:

      I stay strong with wonderful comments like yours. I am at once
      uplifted and hugged and comforted. Where in Europe do you reside? It is my real earthly home.
      Mostly Italy, yet Paris is my favorite city of those I have visited. One day soon I am
      going to celebrate New Year’s Eve in Paris! Qui, Qui!

      • Sarah says:

        Hi Patricia,

        I live in England, near Dover (south east coast), just 32 miles from France. I live right on the ocean too – although unfortunatley mine isn’t blue and sparkling – more grey and misty. But we still hear the same waves. I’m sitting here watching Shrek 2 because there is absolutely nothing else on the 284 TV channels – and am reminded how powerful good old fashioned humor can be. Sending you love and laughter across our waves. I’m in Italy on Monday for one night – I’ll deliver the country your best regards if you give Jim a HUGE hug and kiss from me. PS – When you spend New Year in Paris I promise to meet you there! Sarah.

      • Patricia says:

        It’s a deal. My regards to Italy and a HUGE hug and kiss for Jim from you. See you in Paris on some not so distant New Year’s Eve!

  2. Jeri says:

    I’m speechless. Your strength and insight, your getting it…is amazing. I learn from you everyday day my friend. You are a treasure and a joy. I wish I could be closer in your everyday receiving. I too, would be there…”anytime, anywhere, for anything!!” xxo

  3. Leslee Joy says:

    I haven’t been good about checking my Yahoo mail. Wow….what a week. Keep up the strength and belief. You are on my mind daily. Hugs to you!!
    Leslee in Omaha

Comment on this post

We would love for you to share your thoughts