Sunday, March 18, 2018

Learning to paint

January 22, 2010 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

A friend emailed me and asked “where have you been?”  Where I have been is trying to decide what to write!  What do you write about when the chemo is over?  You realize how much your life has focused on that occurrance and yet it is but one aspect of a cancer experience.  In sitting with that question, I am observing being in a space between the old life and the new life.

Cancer invites you to release the past, transmute toxic emotions and release old patterns. That was then, this is now.  If you do that, you might find yourself in a place where your life is a blank canvas.  Things outside of you that once defined who you are, no longer reflect your essence.  At one time that was scary; now I find it exhilirating.  You can create whatever work of art your heart desires.  What colors do I want to use?  What brushstrokes?  What elements?  What an extraordinary place in which to find myself.  I am creating my life, one brushstroke at a time, one Divine idea at a time.  I don’t know what the finished canvas will look like; I do know how I will feel in it because of my intention to know joy. I can be detached from the result because it has been left to the Universe.   There is patience about each step, knowing it has all been worked out on a cosmic level.  It is already done on some level.  I just need to walk toward it, one brush stroke at a time.

An example is moving to Nebraska.  One night two weeks ago prior to falling asleep I was reflecting on the cost of moving from Hawaii to Nebraska.  My calculations put the cost of the move at about $4,000.  I could feel a little “yikes” in my body!  In that moment, I released it to the Universe with the intention that the resources would manifest with ease and grace.  God would not ask me to move to Nebraska without a way for it to happen.  The next day I was purging and organizing documents and came across one I received late September 2009 requiring action.  After an initial phone call, I had not completely followed through on it because I started chemo shortly thereafter.  When I came across it, the first impulse of my mind was to put it in the discard pile. It was three months old, it couldn’t possibly be valid as it related to a dated issue, why take the time, etc., etc.  I heard the soft voice of intuition tell me to follow through on it…now. And so I did, because the soft voice was Spirit.  With practice and experience, you come to know the difference.  What I discovered was money coming to me over a period of the next four months totaling $4,092.  What am I going to do with that $92? :)

Each day, Spirit enters and guides my hand to pick up this color and move the brush this way.  I am mindful of messages and clues that contribute to this day’s creative effort.  When I get too mental and try to think about what the painting might look like when finished, or what I can do to move the process along, my body lets me know with fatigue.  My emotions let me know with general irritation that I am trying to control instead of create.  There is a Divine plan to this painting, and I am but the medium through which Divine ideas can be created.

We must be willing to face the truth that the life we have is the one we created, with or without Divine inspiration.  If we are unhappy with our life, the very good news is that we can wake up and begin to consciously create a life that serves us and others. All of the reasons I gave myself for not creating a life I would love were what made me sick.  The voice of my Divine Self, my higher Self was often muted by the expectations of others.  And so I look at this blank canvas and treasure it first for it’s nothingness while at the same time honoring it for everything it holds.  It holds the possibility of Love- the love of God, love of Self, my friends, my family.  Now, how do I want to express that out into the world?

The apparent goal of the journey is simply the carrot the universe dangles before you to get you to learn the lessons the adventure yields.

~Alan Cohen

This new life will work for me; it will reflect my essence.  Up until now my life has reflected other people’s ideas of comfort, purpose, meaning, function.  My life might have been pretty to look at, yet it was a reflection of other’s desires and of my need to please them so I could be loved.  That also meant the harsh reality that some people didn’t love me; they loved the false Patricia that I presented and they thought was me.  Think about that scenario.  Does it sound so loving now to sacrifice the Self?  Might it be selfish to do so?  Everyone loses.

The cancer experience was an emptying out, a deep cleansing. It is the cosmic roto rooter!  What it made room for was Love to come pouring in.   It is said that cancer cannot survive where there is self-love.  That became my mantra: to know the love of Self. Cancer was my vehicle.  What is your cancer?  It has introduced me to my real Self.  No longer the false Patricia who wanted to please everyone, I am beginning to know who I am.   While I do not expect to ever fully know that Being, God knows who I am. And so I let Spirit guide me every day in the direction that will lead me to the full expression of my Divine Self.  I’m not looking for my purpose.  Because I am standing here in this physical body, I am in my purpose.  You are in your purpose.  It is to be Love.  And what will our particular expression, our painting of Love look like?  It starts with asking “How can I best Love today?”  If we would begin there, we might lift the entire planet.

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