Monday, February 19, 2018

What are you doing tomorrow?

February 22, 2010 by  
Filed under Patricia's Journey

Tomorrow I have an unexpected appointment with my oncologist.  What was expected was an appointment on March 23.  After returning from my trip last week, I had some pain in my left hip.  By this past weekend it had intensified and last night the pain was excruciating and barely manageable.  This pain has been in my body before.  This blog is to tell you all the ego that is coming up for me around this.  This may or may not be related to my cancer diagnosis.  This may or may not require treatment.  You could say I have some   f e e l i n g s coming up!

There are only two voices:  that of the ego and that of God (the Holy Spirit).

My ego had my cancer chemotherapy experience all wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow on it.  ”There!  All done with that. Doesn’t it look nice?  This is how the cancer experience is going to look.  This will be the end of western medical treatment. Put it up on a shelf.  Yippee!”  This was the answer to the question my ego asked:  ”When is this going to be over?”  When, how, why? I’m making a note to myself that in the future when I think something is all “wrapped up”, it’s probably not a present from God.

If you have all the answers, you don’t really need faith.

Until today I was unaware that I was very attached to my cancer treatment being a certain way, and now I see that there is a chance it might not look that way.  It doesn’t have to look a certain way for God.  Only the ego.  Now the question is  ”what if more treatment is required?”  And I am faced with the deep fear that question brings up:  What if more treatment will knock me off the planet?  Do I trust chemotherapy?  I didn’t see I had become attached to the ego’s story around treatment…that there wouldn’t be any more.  It’s a crafty entity, that ego of mine.  Sometimes it can sound like the voice of God.  That’s why you spend time discerning and knowing the difference.  The ego had me thinking the future was all “figured” out.  No more treatment.  Hello?! That’s not God.  God is here in the present moment. Being with God in the present moment may mean no treatment today.  And how I move through today may affect the need for future treatment.  I can change my future if I allow fear and darkness to invade my thinking and being. And I can change it by being Light.

My ego wanted to say I was healed.  I easily fell for that.  My ego wanted me to believe I couldn’t deliver God’s message to anyone unless I had a clean bill of health.  How can I write a book about my cancer experience if I’m still in it?   At this time I have surpassed all medical statistics for being alive, and yet my ego would have me believe if I need any more treatment then I’m not good enough. My self esteem is attached to whether or not my body requires chemotherapy?  Ah, that belief serves the ego.  That belief undermines my self-worth and that is the ego’s playground.  This is a transformative process, meaning the inside has changed and the outside is catching up.  My physical being is catching up.  God assures me cancer is not my departure.  I may be done with treatments; I may not.  The ego would have that mean something.  It means nothing.  It means more to write about!  It is my Divine message–the Love of cancer.  It’s about how the experience purifies me.  I am working for God and this is how it looks today.  Where is the Love in cancer today?

All of this came up because of hip pain.  Hallelujah!  Bring it on!  (I really have to quit saying that :) )

What can you do for me?  Hold the space for me to be in complete acceptance of my journey and my walk with God.  Complete surrender and non attachment to how it looks. The message I am to deliver is already done; however, I am evolving into it and only God knows what that requires for me and of me.  Trust. Trust is the highest calling at this time.

“It is not my business to think about myself.   My business is to think about God.    It is for God to think about me.”

– Simone Weil

Comments

4 Responses to “What are you doing tomorrow?”
  1. Lisa says:

    You continue to amaze me in your journey…the way you keep looking inside, taking responsibility, trusting in God, being authentic, letting go of ego…YOU are such an inspiration. And so I hold the space for your acceptance in your journey as God in every moment. I love you dear friend.

    • Patricia says:

      Thank you for continually delighting me in all the ways you “be” a friend. Thank you for stepping forward and joining me today at my appointment.
      It was so much sweeter having you there. I love you!

  2. David Tasaka says:

    Patricia,

    Thanks so much for reminding all of us that God has a plan for all of us and we have a choice to listen to our egos or to God. You have been such an inspiration as you chronicle your powerful journey of living fully in the now.

    Blessings,
    David

  3. Jan Johnson says:

    Lisa and David have already spoken so well. And so I hold for you a chalice to empty out your fear and continually let it be filled with love. And what a difference in our behavior when our cup is filled with love! I will pray for you for Trust, in self, in God with acceptance and surrender. When we are at that space how peaceful it is in our soul yet not an easy task. Sweet dreams! May God’s Grace cradle you with comfort. Love, Jan

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